Silence Your Emotions and They Will Silence You
"You're angry. You're sad. You're disgusting. You're weak."
We hear these statements — whether from a critical parent, a past relationship, or even our own inner voice — and while they may be projections from others in part, they often point to something deeper in us.
What happens when we silence our emotions? Silencing them means ignoring, suppressing, hiding, or avoiding them. Eventually, they become us, or we become them. What do I mean by this?
We cannot magically remove our feelings or emotions. Therefore, as we suppress them, they have to go somewhere. They often go into the deep recesses of our minds and thoughts, and will even settle into places in our body — think of that pit feeling in your stomach, or anxiety that feels like pressure on your chest.
As we continue to avoid them, they grow stronger. As they build up strength, we begin to be unable to hide them, or to act without them having some part in our actions. This is where the silencing of us begins. Think of situations where you've been nervous or angry for "no good reason," or where you've blown up over something that is objectively small in the moment. These reactions are being driven by stored energy — emotions sitting inside us, ready to burst out at any given chance.
As this cycle continues it gains power, and we begin to feel unable to stop or change our reactions and emotions. At a certain point many people "give in" and begin to believe that they are just an angry, sad, or anxious person. This is when we can become our emotions and less ourselves — and this is what others see from the outside. While this isn't true, it does us some comfort to stop fighting this cycle. It allows us to stop struggling against this seemingly unstoppable force. The issue is that while we may suffer less, suppressed emotions continue to negatively impact our lives.
I believe this is where so many people get stuck — thinking they have no ability to change their actions, but still despising the negative behaviors impairing their life. Being stuck in this place then brings on depression, anxiety, and increases self-destructive behaviors to distract from how we feel inside.
In my experience, so much of therapy is about interrupting unhelpful cycles like this one. So, how do we break this one? We need to do a few things. One is to begin understanding which emotions we suppress the most. Is it anxiety, anger, disgust? What stops us from expressing these feelings in the first place? Is it shame? Have we never had a safe place to do so? Were we never taught how or why to express ourselves?
Once we learn these things, the next step is simple — but by no means easy. This is often brand new territory for us and with it comes fear of the unknown and plenty of growing pains. Begin to express your emotions and feelings. You can start small: "I feel anxious I'm not good enough at work. I am ashamed of my behaviors. I am sad about where I am in life." Then go deeper. Maybe it's childhood experiences that have left their mark on you. Maybe it's past relationships that have led you to believe you'll always be alone. Maybe it seems like there is no hope that life can get better. Work your way up and be gentle with yourself on the way there.
These are just a few examples of feelings that get stuck in our psyche, body, and way of being. Learning to express them takes practice, and that is exactly where therapy comes in. One of the benefits of personal therapy is that it becomes a training ground for the rest of life — a safe space to work through these feelings, make mistakes, and learn the lessons without the full weight of the outside world watching. Then you can confidently begin to implement that in your life.
It often doesn't feel true, because we've never experienced it — but a life where your emotions don't control you is possible. And it starts with something that feels small but is anything but: simply acknowledging what you feel.
Brenton Love
Therapy for Men
LMFT: 159509
657-201-9916