Intimacy and Pornography
Many people believe pornography causes intimacy issues — and while it can absolutely make them worse, I often see the opposite: intimacy struggles usually come first.
Porn becomes the coping tool, aka the symptom, not the root cause.
Today, sexual and relational struggles are at an all-time high — from erectile dysfunction and emotional disconnection to infidelity and performance anxiety. In my work as a therapist, I talk with countless men and couples facing these challenges. The rise of pornography and platforms like OnlyFans seems to both reflect and amplify these struggles rather than resolve them.
The Double Standard of Sex in Our Culture
Almost everyone I’ve worked with has some form of insecurity around sex or intimacy. Culturally, we live in a strange paradox — sex is both taboo and everywhere.
We’re told to feel shame about sexual desire, yet we’re constantly exposed to sexual imagery in advertising, movies, and social media. This creates an innate “sex is bad, and I am bad if I want it.”
Developing a healthy view of sex can transform relationships. At its core, healthy sex is a consensual, mutual experience where both partners feel safe to express desires, boundaries, curiosities, and insecurities. Unfortunately, most people never have those conversations. Instead, they guess, follow their partner’s lead, or turn to porn to meet unmet needs — especially when emotional or physical intimacy feels risky.
Why Porn Feels Easier Than Real Intimacy
Imagine intimacy as trying to move the football down the field. You’re working hard to reach that last yard — vulnerability, communication, presence — but porn lets you skip straight to the end zone. Once that shortcut becomes a habit, going back and rebuilding emotional intimacy feels nearly impossible.
It’s not about shame — it’s about recognizing how instant gratification replaces genuine connection.
The Future of Artificial Intimacy
With the growth of parasocial relationships, AI companions, and even sex bots, I often wonder how these trends will shape intimacy in the future.
If technology can meet even half of our emotional or physical needs, we might face a generation of people who feel more stimulated than satisfied — a world full of relationships that look connected on the surface but lack real depth.
The Hidden Cost of Unrealistic Expectations
Porn and media also shape our expectations. Even when we “know” what we’re seeing isn’t realistic, it still embeds itself in our subconscious.
Much like reality TV, these exaggerated portrayals of sex and bodies subtly alter what we believe is normal — influencing how we perform, compare, and connect. Without awareness, it becomes easy to project these unrealistic expectations onto ourselves or our partners, eroding intimacy and exploiting our insecurities.
If You’re Struggling With Pornography or Intimacy
You’re not alone. These issues are super common. Working with a therapist can help you unpack the shame, build healthier communication, and redefine what intimacy truly means — emotionally, physically, and relationally.
Brenton Love AMFT - (657) 201-9916
Therapy for Men