Why Men Cheat.

Most often, men cheat with ideas—not people. They are cheating with “freedom, avoidance of problems, relief from pressure, unmet desires, fantasies, adrenaline, chaos, and thrill. These are all liberating, pleasurable feelings especially when feeling trapped or hopeless in life. These cause immediate relief of whatever problems are in the relationship but serve to make things much worse in time.

So, why do men cheat? There are many reasons, but first, let’s define what cheating is. Cheating is engaging in a relationship that violates a promise or understanding within your current relationship. Often, that understanding as far as the boundaries in the relationship are not defined—and that’s problem number one. You’ll hear “I don’t want to be controlling, or its their life not mine.” These serve to blur the lines that are so important for so many couples.

Is watching porn cheating? What about going to a massage parlor? Having close female friends? These are gray areas that ought to be discussed, yet they often aren’t. It all starts with communication—and sadly, there’s a major lack of effective communication in many relationships today. Whether it's fear, shame, or the desire to avoid conflict, these communication barriers keep us from being honest, open, and vulnerable with our partners. Which then leads to assumptions on both sides and even less healthy communication.

Yes, some men cheat simply because they can—because it’s accessible and easier than ever. One of the most common root issues I see in relationships are unsaid and unmet needs. These might be sexual needs, the need to feel needed, important, or the burden of unexpressed stress and pressure. At the heart of this is often fear—fear of rejection or judgment from our partners. This fear might come from childhood, past relationships, or dynamics within the current one.

Poor communication creates a self-defeating cycle. Problems go unspoken, the relationship begins to feel hopeless, and Infidelity—emotional or physical—eventually becomes a tempting escape. As men we need to learn to face our fears and do the uncomfortable thing now, so to prevent the painful thing later.

Some men cheat because they’re overwhelmed and feel powerless to either fix or manage their life. It might sound counterintuitive, but managing an affair can become a powerful form of avoidance. It takes full attention and energy to juggle that and life, which offers a distraction from the stress and anxiety of life. But this avoidance only makes things worse, and over time, the distance in the relationship becomes so great that repair feels impossible.

So, what can you do about it?

Face the fear. Start having honest conversations with your partner. It’s far easier to have a difficult talk about feeling disconnected or unfulfilled than to have the “You cheated on me, we’re over,” conversation. If you're struggling to open up or tend to avoid conflict, therapy can help by identifying the fears that hold you back and offering real tools to work through them.

-Brenton Love, AMFT

(657) 201-9916

Therapy for Men, brentonlovetherapy.com