How to Affair-Proof Your Relationship.
Let’s be honest—there’s no way to fully "affair-proof" a relationship. We can’t control the future. But, there are intentional steps we can take to create the kind of connection where betrayal is far less likely to take root.
Communication, communication, communication.
This is everything—and I’m not exaggerating. One of the most common issues I see in relationships is a breakdown in communication: unmet needs, unspoken boundaries, and a lack of shared meaning and purpose.
Unmet needs are often emotional in nature, but they frequently show up in sexual intimacy. Sex is far more emotional than social media and movies would lead us to believe. At its core, it’s about feeling wanted and needed. Early in a relationship, during the honeymoon period, this happens naturally—desire is high, connection is strong, and resentment hasn’t had time to take root. But over time, complacency sets in, and issues that were swept under the rug begin to surface in unexpected ways. We start making assumptions instead of having conversations—and those assumptions, while occasionally accurate, are rarely fully correct.
Unspoken boundaries are another major issue. Many people avoid stating their boundaries because they fear being “too much” or pushing their partner away. This can stem from insecurity, childhood experiences, or past relationships. Therapy can help with these personal challenges—and doing that work often benefits the relationship. Silence doesn’t protect the relationship; it merely postpones difficult conversations, which then become even harder later on. When boundaries go unspoken, they are often crossed, breeding resentment. That resentment then shows up as conflict, distance, and emotional avoidance. The narrative becomes, “They don’t care about my needs,” when in reality, those needs may never have been communicated.
Shared relational purpose is crucial. What are your goals as a couple? Why are you together? What can you accomplish together that you couldn’t accomplish alone? These questions can transform the relationship from a partnership of convenience into a meaningful exploration of what you want from life, yourself, and each other.
Keep it fresh and keep it honest.
Always be dating and discovering new things with your partner. Keep pursuing them. This becomes harder with time—especially when children enter the picture—but that makes it even more important. Intentionally carving out time for connection keeps the relationship evolving. People are complex, and there are always new layers to discover in your partner and in the relationship itself. The deeper you go, the more fulfilling the connection becomes—and the less temptation there is to look elsewhere.
Emotional connection leads to greater sexual connection.
When emotional safety, openness, and vulnerability are present, they foster deeper connection and greater satisfaction in the relationship. This translates to every part of the relationship—especially intimacy. In order to feel whole and unified, each partner must feel safe, heard, and valued. While this can be challenging to achieve, it also makes it much harder for betrayal to occur.
This is the real foundation of “affair-proofing.” If communication is holding you back in your relationship—or if insecurity or fear are preventing you from expressing your authentic desires—therapy can help.
-Brenton Love, AMFT
(657) 201-9916
Therapy for Men, brentonlovetherapy.com