Better Connection with Your Partner, From A Man’s Perspective.

I see it all the time in therapy — and in my own life. A man tries to fix the problem from a practical, logical standpoint, while his partner is trying to explain the problem from an emotional one. For this example, I’m focusing on a heterosexual couple, but the dynamic shows up across many relationships.

There’s already a major disconnect when one partner is speaking emotionally and the other rationally. How many times have you thought during an argument, “We’re speaking completely different languages”? That’s because, in many cases, you are. Men are often socialized to lean into logic, while women are more attuned to emotional processing — but the truth is, both emotional connection and reasoning are needed for a relationship to thrive.

What can men do to fix it?
Get curious. Instead of going straight to problem-solving, try asking: “What emotion are you feeling when I do that thing that upsets you?” With that information, you're way more equipped to respond in a way that actually helps.

For example, if your partner says, “I feel like you don’t care about me when you do that,” don’t get defensive — that only reinforces the feeling. Instead, try: “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I was overwhelmed and didn’t have the capacity in that moment, but I do care about you.” That response creates connection, not distance.

And for the women reading this — sometimes we need direction.
You can help by saying something like: “I don’t need a logical solution right now. I just need you to hear me and understand how I’m feeling.” This helps us know where to meet you — emotionally, not just practically.

Lastly, I’ll say this: doing your own inner work — especially around insecurity — goes a long way. The more secure you are in yourself, the less defensive you’ll get in the heat of an argument. And that’s key for deeper, better relationships.

-Brenton Love, AMFT

(657) 201-9916

Therapy for Men, brentonlovetherapy.com