Don’t suffer the suffering
Don’t suffer the suffering. Have you ever found yourself replaying an argument in your mind, only to feel even worse about it? This is what I call "suffering the suffering."
What Is "Suffering the Suffering"?
The original idea for this comes from Buddhism, but I’ve seen it in therapy, both personally and professionally. Let’s give an example: an argument with a partner. Not only is the argument itself uncomfortable, but then we often go on and on in our minds about how "it could have gone differently, we always argue, is it even worth it, we’re just going to fight again in the future." These thoughts compound our suffering, which makes the situation even worse.
On a scale, let’s say the argument itself is a 5 out of 10, with 10 being the worst. We add another 3 to that by suffering the fact that we had an argument—not even the context of the argument itself. Make sense?
Why Do We Do It?
This added suffering often stems from deeper, subconscious beliefs. For example, you might think, "I’m the problem," or "I could have done something different." These hidden beliefs can intensify our emotional response and make the situation feel worse than it is. This is where therapy can help—by uncovering those beliefs and questioning whether they still hold true today.
How to Reduce the Suffering
Now, what can we do about this? Acceptance. Acceptance can be a difficult concept to embrace, but it’s key to reducing suffering. Borrowing from Buddhism, the only constant in life is suffering. With that truth in mind, we may as well reduce it by acknowledging and welcoming it instead of resisting it. It’s easier said than done, but the effort can lead to profound changes.
One way therapy can help is by bringing subconscious thoughts into the conscious mind and then working to change them. Let’s revisit the example of the argument. Perhaps the belief adding to your suffering is, "I’m the problem." By exploring how and when you started to believe that, therapy can help you see if it still fits your current reality. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly useful for this. They can help you reframe your perspective, reminding you that even though you’re 50% of the argument, you’re only 50%. No matter what you do, you can’t control how others think or act.
Practical Steps You Can Take
To reduce unnecessary suffering, try these steps:
Practice mindfulness: Notice your thoughts without judgment, this is extremely hard to do as we often judge every thought and action we take.
Reframe beliefs: Think about and challenge unhelpful beliefs and see if they fit in that given moment.
Accept imperfection: Remind yourself that no one is perfect, and conflict are a natural part of relationships, and often what helps them grow the most.
Final Thoughts
Learning to reduce unnecessary suffering takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. Therapy can help you take that first step by uncovering hidden beliefs, reframing your perspective, and giving you tools to handle life’s inevitable challenges.
If you’ve been struggling with “suffering the suffering,” therapy can help. Reach out to learn how we can work together to reduce unnecessary pain.
-Brenton Love, AMFT
(657) 201-9916
Therapy for Men, brentonlovetherapy.com