Why your Childhood Matters.

“Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.” — Hillary Clinton.

I disagree, it is often we must look back to understand our problems in the present. This goes especially for men who often lack the support needed to understand how and why the past impacts our present and future so much. Why do ship captains put so much weight into the ocean’s currents when they sail? It’s due to forces underneath the surface dramatically impacting their course. This is how childhood experiences become the unseen forces that push us in directions we are unaware of.

                  As men we want to feel powerful and in control of our lives. How can we feel this way if we consistently land where we did not intend? This is when core beliefs come into play. Core beliefs are deeply held beliefs in the subconscious mind that subtly affect many of our thoughts and behaviors.

                  These beliefs are mostly formed in childhood and will often go unchanged for a lifetime. Imagine a child at the dinner table while his parents are in a fight. He desperately wants to help but he is too small, and his voice too quiet. This may result in a belief such as “I’m powerless, or I can’t protect those I love.” This may seem illogical but as children we blame ourselves for negative situations with caregivers because we must lean on them for our survival. Imagine how that child’s life will be changed by having a core belief of powerlessness. He may not go for that job promotion or ask out that girl of his dreams due to the limits set in their own mind.

                  Is there a way to challenge or change these core beliefs? Yes, one way is going back and challenging the very nature of these beliefs. Using our example earlier the reality of that dinner table situation is that mom and dad were fighting and that was their decision to make. It may have little or absolutely nothing to do with the child.  We can begin to shift this self-blame by exploring the emotions and irrational beliefs around the experience. We must emphasis the childhood experience and not our view of it as a fully formed adult. Take a moment to begin to imagine what some of your negative core beliefs are, and how different life could be if they were changed into a more helpful belief. Your childhood matters, but it doesn’t have to define you.

-Brenton Love, AMFT

(657) 201-9916

Therapy for Men, brentonlovetherapy.com